Woman Notices Something Off About BF’s Undiagnosed Chronic Pain: “I’m Starting To Question Things”

When their loved one gets sick, most people want them to feel better, so they do everything they can to make that happen, whether it’s making soup or looking after them for months on end.

This redditor, too, was looking after her boyfriend when he was experiencing chronic pain. But after some time, she realized that the times he would feel pain would be surprisingly convenient to him, which made her wonder if he had been faking it all along.

It’s not easy to watch your loved one suffer from chronic pain or illness

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But this woman started to think that her boyfriend was exaggerating or even faking his illness

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Many couples believe that sharing chores is key to a successful relationship

When one partner becomes unwell, it’s not unusual for the other one to carry a heavier load, be it financial responsibilities or chores. But when that’s not the case, both partners should ideally contribute, even if not exactly equally, to carrying the burden for the sake of the relationship.

A Pew Research Center survey of married couples found that sharing household chores is one of the three key elements of a successful marriage (preceded only by having shared interests and a satisfying sexual relationship). According to the collected data, 56% of US adults, both with and without children, say that sharing household chores is “very important” to a happy marriage.

The survey also found that among married adults, men are more likely to say that sharing household chores is very important to a successful marriage than their female counterparts, with 63% and 58% believing so. Though other studies suggest that while women agree that ideally, chores should be shared, men’s views regarding the matter are not that consistent.

In a briefing paper prepared for the Council on Contemporary Families, associate professor of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah, Daniel L. Carlson, noted that the findings regarding men’s views are somewhat mixed.

“Although some research finds that men report the greatest relationship satisfaction in couples where routine housework is shared equally, others find that men are happiest in arrangements where they have no responsibilities for routine housework. Still, other studies find no difference in men’s happiness between arrangements where they do no housework and those where they share it equally,” he wrote.

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Quality time plays a significant role in romantic relationships, too

Judging from the OP’s story, it seems that her partner likely belonged to the group of men who felt happier when they had no responsibilities for routine housework. But it wasn’t only lack of help with the chores that bothered his partner. It was the lack of quality time spent together, as the boyfriend didn’t want to do much with the OP, but was happy to go out with his friends.

Quality time doesn’t have to be something out of the ordinary; it can be something as simple as a walk in the park or a date night, as long as both partners are focused on each other. Talking about the importance of date nights in a piece for Psychology Today, licensed couples counselor Kari Rusnak emphasized that they are important for several reasons.

Firstly, spending quality time with our loved one without distractions boosts connection. “It can be rare for us to give our partners our full attention without being distracted by kids, work, chores, or our phones. On a date night the focus is on each other and the activity you do together. It’s helpful to put your phones away during the date as well,” the expert wrote.

Secondly, date nights build positive interactions, which can then be stored in your “emotional bank account.” According to Rusnak, 5 to 1 is the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones that is needed in order to maintain a positive perspective.

Thirdly, date nights allow couples to engage in activities with shared meaning, like rituals of connection, which are activities that the partners share and enjoy together. In addition to all of the above, quality time spent on date nights gives couples the opportunity to talk about their relationship and simply have fun together, which are all crucial to the well-being of their connection.

Bearing in mind the financial load the OP had to carry, as well as the burden of chores together with lack of quality time, it’s no surprise that the woman wanted to have a talk with her boyfriend about the situation. In an update that she shared a few days after the initial post, the redditor said that she finally managed to do that, but it didn’t end in a way the woman likely wanted it to.

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Netizens believed that whether or not the boyfriend was actually ill, he was taking advantage of his girlfriend

A few days later, the woman shared an update on how her talk with the boyfriend went

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People in the comments assured the woman that ending the relationship was the right thing to do