46 Parents Share The Most Out-Of-Touch Things They’ve Heard Child-Free People Say About Parenting

It's one thing to see your friends do it but quite another to live it yourself.

Recently, Redditor Dosed123 submitted a question to the platform, asking moms and dads to share the funniest things child-free people have told them about their idea of parenting. And they delivered.

From calling maternity leave "a vacation" to the classic "Just sleep when the baby sleeps", here are some of the phrases people use to let parents know they have no clue what they're talking about.

#1

When I went on maternity leave with my third kid, my boss said, 'Enjoy your vacation.'

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#2

My favorite is always, 'Just sleep when the baby sleeps.'

Image credits: katykat97

#3

Once, my child-free friend asked me if my 18-month-old would sleep in the next morning because it was Saturday. I laughed so hard!

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#4

When I was pregnant, I couldn't sleep well because every position was uncomfortable. Well, my friend said, 'You probably can't wait to give birth so you can catch up on some sleep!'

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#5

Recently, we were visiting our friends — who are child-free by choice — and they really love my kid. When they heard my kid was into puzzles, they brought her a 1,000-piece one! She's 3 years old.

Image credits: Dosed123

#6

We took our baby to a wedding when she was 2 months old, and they had a place setting at the table for her — complete with a full set of metal cutlery and a highchair!

Image credits: whoevenc4res

#7

When we were working on our baby registry, my husband couldn't understand the need for a stroller, saying, 'I'll just carry the babies.' What makes it even funnier is that we were having twins!

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#8

When I was pregnant, one day I realized my baby hadn't moved as much as usual, so I told my friend I might need to go get checked. She replied, 'Can't you just tell the baby to move with your mind?'

Image credits: Minxmallow

#9

I was working from home with a 6-month-old, and it was hard trying to have conference calls and entertain her at the same time. Well, my husband said, 'Don't worry — it'll get easier when she's around 12 months old, when you can just sit her down for an hour or two with a coloring book.'

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#10

My favorite is always when people say, 'When we have kids, it won’t change our lifestyle at all. We will just bring the kids wherever we go!'

Image credits: Daddywags42

#11

My friends used to hit me up at like 7:00 at night, asking me to come out that night — and then they'd be shocked that I couldn't just 'get someone to watch the baby!'

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#12

Before I had kids, I told my boss — who was a mother of two — 'I feel like parenting is easier than most people make it out to be.'

Image credits: Scotchula

#13

My husband thought kids start talking at around 3 months, and he joyfully asked our friend whether her 4-month-old was already saying something funny!

Image credits: Dosed123

#14

I could never understand why parents had to plan around their baby's nap. Well, fast-forward five years and two children later, and I now know that if you don't, all hell will break loose halfway through your 'fun' outing!

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#15

I foolishly thought I'd have all this free time during maternity leave, and I actually suggested to my husband that it would be the perfect time for us to get a puppy because I'd have time to train it!

Image credits: Chapnau

#16

I was pregnant at the time and working in a kitchen. My general manager caught me sitting down while prepping some potatoes for service and said "It must be nice to get to laze around whenever you want". It took all of my will to not say something snarky. He did get fired 3 weeks later for a non related incident. Karma is a b**ch.

Image credits: Ginger_feline0311

#17

"It'll be fun, you can just get a babysitter!"

Yeah, let me get right on finding a babysitter on 3 hours notice so I can leave my bottle-refusnik 2 month old baby to come to a concert that starts at 11pm.

Image credits: InannasPocket

#18

All the people who equate having a child, and caring for that child, to having a pet.

No. This tiny human is not just like your dog/cat/whathaveyou. Please stop.

Image credits: EpicalClay

#19

My 22 year old brother telling me that instead of nursing my baby while we are together because it weirds him out, I can pump enough beforehand and feed bottles and then baby will be good all day. I explained that if I miss a nursing session then I would be really uncomfortable and have to pump during that time anyways so I usually only pump when I'm away from my baby. Sorry kid

Image credits: Antibodysnatcher

#20

We were convinced that having a baby would have no significant impact on our ability to do things. So at seven weeks old when we got a message a relative was in our city for one night we said "sure we'd love to meet for dinner" and commited to a one hour train journey in each direction and dinner.

We got home at ten pm exhausted and saying "never again". The meal was wonderful but the trip home was exhausting

Image credits: BeardedBaldMan

#21

I foolishly thought I'd have all this free time during my mat leave year with my first child, and at one point even suggested to my husband that if we were ever to get a puppy, that would be the time because I'd be home to train it! (I've never owned a dog, so this was a double whammy of child and canine blissful ignorance.)

Image credits: Chapnau

#22

My sister visited once and scolded me for letting my children take our couch cushions off the couch to make a fort. That's the last thing I was worried about with three kids under 7 years old!

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#23

I was getting a passport for my 3-week-old daughter, and the worker said I needed to sit her up on her own, then when I told him she couldn't, he stormed off to get a manager.

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#24

When I was pregnant and picking out a bouncer, my husband said, 'Is this really necessary? Why can't we just put the baby in a chair?'

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#25

I’ve had waiters offer to get my infant a kid’s meal. That was pretty funny.

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#26

My mate thought it was genuinely OK to pop out for a bit whilst your baby was having a nap. I think her example was going out for a meal.

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#27

Someone I know suggested doing using maternity leave to do your masters.

#28

I had to call in to my last job because my 4 year old was sick. My boss asked if I could just get someone else to watch her. As if someone else would be willing to take off work, risk getting sick, not to mention- I'm her mother, I'm the one people call to take care of MY child when she's sick. I just told him no after a confused pause. My current job is sooo much better about this. I was frustrated at the time, but now I think it's just silly.

#29

Before we had kids, my husband and I were watching Mad Men and I laughed shocked at the scene where Betty is holding their newborn in the front seat of a car being driven home from the hospital post-delivery. I had to explain what was wrong with that picture. My husband asked, “do they even make car seats for babies that small?” We have learned so, so much from our two kids.

#30

When my oldest was a few months old and I was a SAHM, I had a well-meaning friend ask, “What does that entail?”. Or my mother, when I complained about my son liking to climb up on the kitchen table: “You didn’t do that because I had rules”.

#31

I wish it was as humorous as a lot of the stuff I’m seeing but I have been told by far too many people (mostly without kids but a few with) that because I had an emergency cesarean I didn’t really give birth. It’s usually overly joking but still annoying as hell

#32

My wife and I told her parents that "We trained our dogs really well, kids can't be that much harder..."

18 years later I've got good kids, but the dogs need attention.

#33

When I was pregnant with my first, my husband was talking about how I'd have so much time to devote to hobbies while I was off on mat leave. Newborns just eat every 3 hours and sleep the rest of the time right?? I was not convinced that was true, but couldn't really articulate what exactly would fill up all my time. She ended up being very needy and colicky for the first 3 months and I maybe got to shower every 2 or 3 days and that was about the extent of my free time. Also, for the first 2 weeks she was having latching issues and had jaundice so we were on a strict every 2 hour breastfeed, pump, feed pumped milk, wash pump parts, start again approx 45 mins later schedule. She is 2.5 and I still sometimes remind him how dumb we were pre-baby haha!

#34

A thing I said before I had kids. "I feel like parenting is easier than most people make it out to be." Said to my old boss with 2 kids. She laughed so hard she almost peed herself and then put that quote on her bulletin board to remind me when I had kids.

#35

My FILs girlfriend (no bio kids) asked me when I'm going to put my son on bottle (formula) when he was around 10 months old. When I said I wasn't and that I planned to continue breastfeeding until he was at least 2, she asked me if there's anything still in there

#36

A childless friend couldn't understand why my 2 year old wasn't wearing any clothes in the house. "Isn't he cold? Why don't you just dress him?" .... he will be undressed again within 60 seconds there is absolutely no point in dressing him.

She also said, rather hilariously, "once he falls off the table once, he'll stop climbing up there"

#37

When I had my son, the first child from that generation, my cousin straight up asked, "are his eyes open yet?" Like I had a kitten instead

#38

My ignorant ass to all women going on maternity leave: "So are you going to work from home and watch the baby?" HAHAHAHAHAA DUMB ME

#39

At 32 weeks pregnant I had the nursery complete and set up. All one could ever need to provide good care for a baby was in there.

Childless people around me: 'Oh, so early? Now you'll have to wait so long for the baby! What will you be doing in the meantime?

I got hospitalised at 33 weeks for being in labour

#40

When I was pregnant with our first, my husband genuinely didn’t know that newborns don’t follow an adult eating schedule (3 meals a day at set times).

My child free boss complained to me that she was soooooo tired because she went to a concert the night before and didn’t get to bed until midnight. I was 8 months postpartum and hadn’t had a full night’s sleep since 2nd trimester. It’s funny now, but at the time I had to just walk away before I pushed her down the stairs.

I myself once had aspirations to only have wooden “creative” toys for my kids, no plastic and nothing requiring batteries. You can guess how long that lasted.

#41

"oh...why don't you time your daughter's feeding?!like just feed her at certain times I saw people did it in my family.then you can come to a coffeeshop with us and hang out."

FYI

My daughter was 3 months old at the time. Coffee shops in my country are not restrictive on smoking. And my daughter has allergies.

Yeah...that one actually made me mad.

#42

We've been locked down since March (high risk area and shielding) with most friends and family in another country, so I nominate all the people who have (very sweetly and well-meaningly) told me that they hope I'm getting plenty of support over Zoom/suggested I do online baby classes/etc.

My daughter was 3 months old when COVID hit, she's just turned one now, and man she haaaaaaates teleconferencing in all its forms. If Mr Pell or I are talking to a computer or phone, she perceives it as us ignoring her and cries, screams or tries to grab the device and hang it up. All the friends and family who've Zoomed or Skyped with us don't really get that at all times during the conversation, one of us is frantically trying to placate the baby with toys, snacks, bouncing etc while the other one talks. It's completely exhausting and all three of us have come to hate it so much, it's the literal opposite of comforting or supporting.

Blargh, I think I needed to get that off my chest!

Image credits: Elsa_Pell

#43

I always love it when people suggest something that boils down to “just try and reason with them”. I’m like, there’s no point in trying to make any kind of rational argument with a young kid, especially one that is in the middle of a tantrum. Kids have big emotions over things that to an adult seem silly, but to them, it’s huge.

You gotta wait it out. They’ll tire themselves out and when they do, you can have a little chat with them and ask them “do you think that was an appropriate level of anger because there was less ketchup on your hot dog than your brother’s?”

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#44

One of my relatives was always getting offended when she would call my baby to come to her and always get offended that the baby was ignoring her. The baby was 10mo., barely started walking at that point. I told my relative, "she barely knows that she is a person and has legs, she's not exactly choosing where she is stumbling to."

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#45

people who think parents should have some magical ability to prevent babies from crying on planes.

Image credits: GerundQueen

#46

This one was from my ex who I should have know would be a terrible parent.

In the hospital, I just had a baby and was struggling to breast feed. I went to the washroom and when I came out my ex was feeding my newborn applesauce. FREAKING APPLESAUCE. She was only hours old and 4 weeks premature.

Also he told me that I needed to wait for my 5 month old to calm down and self sooth before I fed her her bottle because when a baby cries when they are hungry that’s how they manipulate the parents.

God I hate him.

Image credits: Life_with_lemonz